It has been a few days since I have been here on earth, you would have found me in the clouds or lost amongst the looming fog. I had not consumed at all today, a completely clean palate ready for what awaits.
*Insert smoking session*
As I stand in my dining room, I can’t help but admire my home and all the love that flows within the walls. I admit I take this all for granted. I start to notice the items around my home, my eyes are drawn to looking at the pictures on the walls. I somehow land in my kitchen and start adjusting the jars above the sink like it’s some form of art. This action brings me to a state of just simply being.
I must add that there are dirty dishes piling up in the sink, which would normally send me into an overwhelmed anxiety dark hole. However, not today. I am vibing at a higher level than those dirty dishes so at the moment, it’s no sweat off my back.
I move into my usual night routine, and as I am washing my face the knowledge pours into my head like an overflowing cup. I say to myself “I have no goals!?” and “What are we doing with ourselves here?”
I realize I have been living in survival mode. I have simply just been aiming to survive and not striving to do better for myself. I have been operating on this level for longer than I can remember. I somehow have managed and adapted to this lifestyle unconsciously. Within survival mode I remain small and quite frankly, that’s not where I want to be.
I then say to myself “wow, I always have these realizations come to me after I have a really good session and get myself grounded”. My inner dialect decides we should write about these moments and start a blog to share with others. I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack from the heart palpitations in this moment. This is how I knew my body was telling me this is your path, the fear and resistance felt all too real. I imagined being a writer in great detail and thought about all the places it could take me.
I have always known in my heart that I was meant to write. I have my dreams set on writing a book, these are just some of the first few steps onto that path. I normally love the idea of writing, but when it comes down to it, I’m all talk. Now I find myself here at 10:00pm writing like it’s going out of style. Instantly all my self-doubts and fears kick in, I imagine what people will say or what they will think about me. However, for some odd reason these thoughts abruptly stop, and instead of going down that rabbit hole I was able to confidently walk away. Goodbye self-sabotaging thoughts and fears, we are no longer in a relationship I am seeing someone else, and their name is courageousness.
As I sat at the kitchen table, I thought about all the ways I could share my writings, yet again only to be met with heart palpitations. “You have got to me kidding me?” My body is one hundred percent trying to tell me something. Just do it just go for it.
Until the next session my friends,
xoxo,
Brandy
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