On the night of the eclipse, I found myself going on another trip. These sessions have been hitting me so differently lately, the power of the plant has been proving to be a vehicle to take me places I have never been before. The healing properties I have been experiencing, feel out of this world. Oddly enough, I could not be more grateful for this. The weather is becoming a bit warmer, so I have been able to move my sessions to the outdoors. Tonight, I stand in the backyard and look around at the grass and the trees and I take in all the grounding energy, allowing my mind to completely clear.
I am experiencing some sensitivity to the plant lately; my normal consumption amount puts me slightly over the edge again. I notice the same sensations from the previous night taking over with heart palpitations, difficulty breathing and an intense sensation of my blood flowing faster than the speed of light. I recognize in this moment I need to do something to re-direct myself, so I begin to take deep breaths while doing some neck and shoulder stretches. As I am sitting here in stillness, I can sense a million thoughts taking up my space within my brain as they work themselves out, almost as if it's on a behind-the-scenes level. Little glimpses pop up and fade away quickly of all the thoughts on my mind. My phone lights up and causes me to become distracted, after reading the incoming message, I instantly feel discouraged and down about myself.
Normally these feelings would consume me, and I would most likely start to cry, however tonight I do not. I ask myself "what do you need in this moment in order to allow these feelings to pass?". I clear my mind once more of these thoughts and continue to stretch, this time allowing myself to enter a stretch that opens the heart space. I tell myself "I am not leaving this pose until I can feel my heart chakra opening". It was on the third breath that I could feel a weight dissipate throughout my chest, I released my arms and smiled feeling a little bit lighter. I take a moment to recognize where I am, and currently, I find myself in a place that's much more at ease and happy to report the blood circulation has slowed down immensely.
I can feel my body becoming grounded and I feel my being entering the present moment. I notice every time I tap back into this space that I am filled with fear. I feel as if I am sitting with fear most of the time lately, as if the doors have been opened into the unknown. I find myself tired quite often from constantly trying to pull myself here and each time I do I am met with that fear. This confuses me because I want to be here. Most of the time when I can feel myself being pulled into the present, I can also sense fear coming up right alongside it. I want to be here, but I can feel the resistance and it's so exhausting trying to fight it.
I feel as if I walked up a few flights of stairs within the past few years and I haven't had the opportunity to catch up to my body. I have been projected into new chapters of my life and I am still trying to get used to where I currently stand. Most people wish or dream to be in my current position, which leads me to feeling guilty for not always wanting to be here. Until I find my way, I will continue to show gratitude no matter how big or little my internal struggles may be.
Until the next session my friend,
xoxo,
Brandy
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