I feel like I am stuck in the middle of a battle between the negative and positive sides of myself. Tonight, my mind was quiet enough where I could hear the difference between the two. On one side I hear self-sabotaging thoughts and on the other side clarity. I now understand the negative side has this narrative because it wants us to remain small where it's safe, even though it's detrimental on our livelihood.
As I sit here with my husband, recognizing we are finally able to enjoy a session together. He begins to talk to me, and I notice myself zoning in and out between the conversation. I tell myself "these are the moments you look forward to make an effort and be present". At this point I've already tapped out on consuming, but I stay seated and continue to listen as he speaks. As I am sitting there, I can't help but think of how exhausted my mind and body are. I take notice on how quiet my mind still is, and how out of touch with reality I feel. It's almost as if I am not even here, and my body is just floating in space. The thought crosses my mind that I have been constantly moving all day, literally. I say to myself "of course you are going to be tired and that is okay". I find myself on many occasions getting angry for feeling so depleted by the end of the day. I come to the conclusion that it's almost as if I have this unrealistic expectation of myself to have energy from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. "Dam, I should probably start showing myself a little compassion here" are the next thoughts that enter my mind.
Some time passes and as we start wrapping up and getting ready to head back into the house, I imagine myself laid out on the couch, doing absolutely nothing. Pre-consumption me made a bold decision of waiting to complete my nightly skincare routine, now I find myself regretting that choice. The THC combined with low energy makes me feel a little weak in the knees and I tell myself I won't be able to stand in front of the sink and carryout routine. Somewhere in the depths of my mind I hear "no, f*ck that, you are going to pull yourself together and do this" followed by "you have extended yourself to everyone around you, it's time you put the same effort into yourself".
I headed straight to the bathroom and ran the water as I began to gather my skin care products. I look up at myself in the mirror and a smirk washes across my face as I think to myself "oh, okay you're actually like kind of pretty and not as ugly as you initially thought". Before stepping out to indulge in tonight's session, I just so happened to be standing in front of the same mirror but with different intentions. I sat there picking out slight imperfections, decreasing the extremely dry reservoir of self-love and confidence I possess.
I'm left here wondering why do we self-sabotage? I have unrealistic expectations of myself and am quick to choose bad habits. Only to be left feeling even worse by knowing I failed myself by my choices. For what purpose? In my own words, self-sabotage can be defined as an action taken that directly interferes with wellbeing, relationships and any goals you have set for yourself and usually these actions are dictated by your subconscious. Your subconscious holds onto a lot, more than we are even aware of and most of the time should not be responsible for making decisions. It takes a great deal of work to break these undesirable actions but is absolutely achievable. Overcoming this battle does not take place overnight, but there are small steps that can be taken to start the journey, see 5 steps below:
Acknowledgement of the action
Identify the trigger
Practice self-compassion
Create new positive habits
Reach out for support
Don't let your subconscious run your life out of fear of working through your pain, trauma, grief and etc. Get to opening those doors and become that self-aware badass that you deserve to be.
Until the next session my friends,
xoxo,
Brandy
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