Here we are a few days after the full moon has passed, and I am still trying to ride out the waves of this emotional rollercoaster. Upon opening my eyes, I immediately feel discouraged, I wanted so desperately to wake up in a good mood and just feel at peace. The lack of sleep over the past few nights are taking its toll on me, causing the anger to increase its presence. I admit, I am honestly not quite sure how to process it all. Finally pulling myself up out of bed while my mind runs through everything that needs to be tended to before mom duty starts. First thing on the list is to consume, holding onto the hope that it will turn my mood around.
This session proves to have done the job, not entirely sunshine and rainbows but at least the fog has cleared. It's not long before my daughter wakes up, in this moment something takes ahold of me, and I find myself in the spare room crying and asking the universe “why do you hate me?”. Wanting so badly to just have a little time to myself before being responsible for another human being. I throw a few air punches and kicks and attempt to release this feeling and pull myself together. I gain some clarity, a feeling within me that I have already known for some time yet continue to ignore it. I recognize that I am being called to heal myself and break generational curses that have been lingering for far too long. Since becoming a mother, I notice I am no longer able to numb these feelings. When doing so I am allowing my subconscious to take the wheel, which is never a good idea, especially when your responsible for another life. When the subconscious is driving, it is allowing all the pre-existed limiting beliefs to be passed along unknowingly. Limited beliefs such as overachieving, people-pleasing and overthinking are just mere examples of the weight that holds us down. I know it's my time to sit with strength and break through these barriers, so I do not pass on the responsibility and pain to my daughter.
After a quick little breakdown, I am able to somewhat pull myself together. I walk into her room a little more pleasant and pick her up saying “good morning” with a smile. We make our way into the kitchen area and as I stand there, I can't help but cry and think “I feel so overwhelmed and I do not even know where to begin in order to get this day going”. I apologize to my daughter for being so upset in front of her and explain that it's okay to cry when you are feeling sad. She notices one of her toys on the floor, we get down to pick it up and end up in a position of sitting on the floor. As I sat there, I couldn't help but shake the feeling as if time doesn't exist and I am somewhere lost in space. I feel like I've been floating here for days, and it seems as if it may never end.
She then breaks my thoughts by grabbing my arm and pointing to the living room, wanting to enter but scared as the light is not turned on. With kindness and patience, I take her hand and guide her into the living room, telling her that it's okay and she doesn't have to be scared. I explain that I am here with her and cheer her on as we walk in saying “we did it!”. It's within these little moments that have such a profound impact on our children's futures. Taking the time to process our own emotions and having the courage to sit with them so our children don't have to.
Until the next session my friends,
xoxo,
Brandy
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